Sadness. That’s what I felt the moment they placed her in my arms. And then – before my arms even tightened around her small frame – the sweetest joy. If I’m honest, the moment I learned of this pregnancy, I was flooded with fear. Fear of another loss. But also fear of what I would…
No Bodies to Bury: The Unspoken Pain of Early Pregnancy Loss
Does my grief even count if there are no bodies to bury? The crass thought swirled around my mind in the weeks that followed my pregnancy losses. I was unprepared for how much our losses would shred my heart. But I was even more unprepared for how much the world would minimize the deaths of…
The Longest Night of My Life
Weeping may last for the night. Some days it feels like the longest night of my life. I miss my children today—the ones I haven’t met yet. I’d hoped these days would look different, that they would include a chubby set of twins, their eyes following the zigzag patterns run by their older siblings. I’ve…
I Cried on New Year’s Eve: Grieving with Hope in 2020
I cried on New Year’s Eve. We spent time with friends, blew noisemakers, and yelled “Happy New Year!” at 8 PM (because we knew there was no way we’d actually last until midnight). We laughed, talked about goals for the new year, and shared stories from 2019. But earlier that day, when I was alone,…
No Longer Empty-Handed
I can’t feel them in my arms anymore. It’s inexplicable, really. I’ve stared at four positive pregnancy tests in the last four years. And each time—without fail—I could immediately feel them in my arms. The anticipation was instant, the bond immediate. Some may roll their eyes at such extreme statements, but the knowledge that a…
He Gives and Takes Away: My Pregnancy Loss
The last thing I remember before going under was the sensation of tears limping from my eyes and tap tapping on the stark white sheet beneath my head. I sobbed into the mask that was placed over my mouth and nose, both welcoming and dreading the oblivion that waited for me. I still see the…
Pumpkin-Spice Legacy
I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. Things I love: Pumpkins, s’mores, boots, scarves, colorful leaves, the smell of bonfires, and oversized sweatshirts (although in this North Carolina weather, who knows when we’ll actually see any of those things). Things I hate: The 3,643 holiday season events and activities that turn me…
Awkward Mom Moments (And Why They Matter)
The music was so loud I could hardly hear myself think. I climbed out of my minivan and cast a sideways, amused glance at the car next to me. I remembered the days when I used to crank my music to ungodly levels. Something tells me I just wouldn’t look as cool today rocking out…
I Try to Do the Right Thing, But…
I never knew so much ‘tude could exist in one little body. My four-year-old sat perched on the edge of his bed: arms crossed, eyes narrowed, and sweet lips pressed into a firm line of defiance. His chest heaved from the Oscar-worthy performance he’d just displayed as he protested the great injustice of having to…
The Most Dangerous Place: Creating a Culture of Life for Our Children
This article originally appeared at gsocarecenter.org. We walked with the crowd of people toward an old, dilapidated building. Angry weeds forced their way through every visible crack and crevice. The building rested at the end of a long driveway, and volunteers in brightly colored vests lined either side. We walked in silence as an overwhelming…
