The Longest Night of My Life

Weeping may last for the night. Some days it feels like the longest night of my life. I miss my children today—the ones I haven’t met yet. I’d hoped these days would look different, that they would include a chubby set of twins, their eyes following the zigzag patterns run by their older siblings. I’ve…

I Cried on New Year’s Eve: Grieving with Hope in 2020

I cried on New Year’s Eve.  We spent time with friends, blew noisemakers, and yelled “Happy New Year!” at 8 PM (because we knew there was no way we’d actually last until midnight). We laughed, talked about goals for the new year, and shared stories from 2019.  But earlier that day, when I was alone,…

No Longer Empty-Handed

I can’t feel them in my arms anymore. It’s inexplicable, really. I’ve stared at four positive pregnancy tests in the last four years. And each time—without fail—I could immediately feel them in my arms. The anticipation was instant, the bond immediate. Some may roll their eyes at such extreme statements, but the knowledge that a…

He Gives and Takes Away: My Pregnancy Loss

The last thing I remember before going under was the sensation of tears limping from my eyes and tap tapping on the stark white sheet beneath my head. I sobbed into the mask that was placed over my mouth and nose, both welcoming and dreading the oblivion that waited for me.  I still see the…