Sadness. That’s what I felt the moment they placed her in my arms.
And then – before my arms even tightened around her small frame – the sweetest joy.
If I’m honest, the moment I learned of this pregnancy, I was flooded with fear. Fear of another loss. But also fear of what I would feel if I didn’t lose her. Guilt? Anger? Anxiety? I wondered if the sadness would linger forever. I wondered if loving this child meant I loved the ones we lost less.
I’ve shared in the past about my pregnancy losses (see highlights and also link in bio), but processing loss while celebrating the new life God has given us is an entirely new experience. And I can’t help but think many women wrestle with the seemingly contradicting feelings of both grief and happiness.
I’ve cried many tears of joy because of this sweet new girl in my arms.
And I’ve cried many tears from the sadness of the three children who are not.
Because of God, I’m holding a healthy, beautiful baby girl.
Because of God, I have three crocheted blankets in a box in my closet that will never be used.
God gave three children to me.
God took three children away.
I’ve found myself both thanking God for my deepest joys and crying out to him with my greatest sadness within the same breath.
We’ve spent the last seven weeks welcoming a little girl into our family who really needs no welcoming because it feels like she’s always been with us, always been ours. And as I stare daily into her beautiful, perfect eyes, I see the answer to those questions that plagued me for nine months.
I love her so completely. And I miss them so much it hurts.
There is joy. There is sadness. There is both. And He is good, always.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Mary Holloman 